The Smallest Shifts

Ok, I know it was almost a year ago that I said 'good-bye' to this blog, then I wrote one more...and now I'm writing another one. The truth is, this blog will never be closed, there will always be something about this process of grieving that pulls me to this place to express moments that happen to my heart that I will feel need to be written. In reality there are many times I could write here, mostly I just wait until it feels right.

Years ago when I thought life was hard (before it actually got hard!) I had a dear friend teach me the acronym "AFGO"  which is = Another F'ing Growth Opportunity! This week I had 3 AFGO's. AFGO's are good! Here's what happened...

Some of you know that I have a Facebook page for Health & Wellness and follow me there. Of the 300+ people who follow that page only a small handful know the back story of why I am so passionate about the pursuit of a happy healthy life. So this week when I posted about my 'oldest son' working in Puerto Rico I am certain no one blinked an eye at what an incredible turning point it was for me to refer to Daniel, my middle child, by birth order as "my oldest child". The post was probably no more than 25 words. Yet I typed, backspaced, deleted, reflected, re-wrote, contemplated, backspaced (again) and finally after about 10 minutes settled on leaving it as Daniel - 'my oldest son'.

My 'mother heart' doesn't like it, she squirms and contracts around the broken pieces that have worked at putting themselves back together. My intellect knows it's the path of least resistance and rationalizes that, in fact, Daniel is my oldest son by use of a chronological system. And as you know from my post about dodging questions that are uncomfortable, I took the path of least resistence.  My AFGO here - Growth is something that happens when we're not looking for it. It comes to us in unexpected moments. I was simply posted how proud I am of Daniel and the work he is doing in PR. I wasn't looking for a reflection on my life.

Personal growth will knock on the door and asked to be let in, but it is our mindfulness and awareness that actually allow for the growth to happen. Every day we have these opportunities - how often do we open the door is a reflection of our readiness and desire to change. I guess I was ready for this one.

My second AFGO this week was an interesting reflection on happiness. I was driving home from having taught a Yoga class and was feeling especially happy. And I thought of Brandon and a strange thing happened.... I continued to be happy! This is a big deal for me! In the past 3+ years thinking of Brandon most often results in me being emotionally devastated. It could send me into a spiral of grief that might take days to come out of. So, feeling happy and thinking about Brandon at the same time is a huge shift in my growth. And the really cool part was, I continued to think about him and the happiness he brought to my life and the pure love that radiated from that amazing young man. I actually became MORE happy the more I thought about it - and attaching him to these positive feelings made me feel his presence in a much deeper way.

Dare I say how fortunate I am for this life's experience - That I have been able to embrace enough growth from the most pain experience of my life that it can also bring me pleasure. It hasn't been easy and it has meant me opening the door to growth more than I would like. But those moments of happiness driving home from Yoga were spectacular!

Then there is Sam, the impetus for the last of the three AFGO's this week. As I said in a previous post about 'firsts', Sam gives me an interesting view on this process of grief. Well, last night Sam let me peek into what what questions will be important to him as he learns about his brother Brandon's death. I'm going to give it to you straight - What do you say to a 5 year old when he asks you:
1- Did Brandon take his 'Blankie' to heaven with him?
2- What happened to Brandon's body if it didn't go to heaven?

...ouch....

Actually the 'blankie' question was easy - Brandon's blankie is right next to my bed, where it's been for  three years and four months. And oddly, this was the right answer for Sam, he's glad he can have his blankie 'forever'

Now to question #2... I am not ready to answer this question for Sam. And I will tell you why - I still question my decisions around this topic. I still struggle with deciding to cremate my son. And I still question if I should get a grave site somewhere (but where is always what comes up). How can I answer this when, even after 3+ years, I don't have clarity? It's lumped into a bucket of unexpected decisions that were made in a fog, out of context of the natural order of life. I should never have had to make that decision... so I question if I made the right one. And now I'm being asked by a 5 year old to explain what happened.

The AFGO - Perhaps Sam's question was a gentle reminder from the Universe that I still have some hard work to do around Brandon's death. That for me not to get stuck in my healing process I need to get clarity of the decisions I made at a very hard time in my life. The truth is, there are a lot of things I still need to work on.

I have time to decide how best to teach Sam about this part of death (Just so you know-I gave a very generic answer).  I will need to do the work to get through yet another aspect of a child...ugh...

These small seemingly insignificant shifts in attachment to labels (oldest, middle, youngest), attachment to what makes me feel happy and the smallest of nudges that I still have work to do are good reminders that each of us needs to be mindful of even the smallest things in our lives.These small shifts are proof that we have grown and they reveal  opportunities for us to become even more.... when we're ready to open the door and sit with them. Which reminds me of a favorite Rumi Poem - The Guest House.