I started this blog shortly after I lost my oldest son. This has been my effort to pull together all the fragments of a grieving broken heart and use them to build expansion joints to fill the empty space left by his death. Exploring how using health and fitness to mend our hearts allows us to love bigger, grow stronger and embrace deeper. Of course this isn't easy work as we must begin from a place of brokenness, but we are always stronger than we imagine we are in the face of unexpected grief.
One of the best lines from a song, "...every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.", (Closing Time by Semisonic). And if you're like me you sing along with the melody in your head every time you say it. It has a nice flow about it, the words, the intonation and the truth that resonates within it. This blog post will be both a new beginning and the end of my purpose in writing this blog. It will be the last post.
I started this blog just eight months after Brandon died. I really needed an outlet to express the truly shattered feelings I had about my life, my loss and my process through this. But it's time for new beginnings, which I am ready and anxious for. No, I don't have some amazing announcement to share. I guess the amazing part is that I feel ready, really ready to square my shoulders to life with a happy (yet expanded) heart.
"Like any injury the body sustains, a broken heart never heals back the
same way. But I would like to believe I have some control over how it is
put back together. That may be my only hope that, again some day, I can
let go of waiting (again) for the other shoe to drop."
That quote is the closing lines of my first post. In looking back I am proud to say I have done exactly what I set out to do. It has not been easy and I would never want to do it again, but I have worked really hard to put my heart back together and that I have been able to stop living waiting for the other shoe to drop and to crush what was left of me. One thing I want to be very clear about - I did not do it alone! I am so fortunate that I had people who held the fragile scaffolding together while I did the work of rebuilding my broken heart. These people were tireless, committed, strong, brave, courageous and loyal often in the face of my caustic, mean, depressed, scathing, miserable and sullen demeanor. My husband, Scott and best friend, Beth deserve a medal of honor as I literally owe them my life. Daniel and Jason, just by their mere existence in my world (unknowingly) forced me to put one foot in front of the other many times. And then there are the friends who kept me running (Dottie), texted me random messages of hope (Crystal), hugged me (Meg) and always made a point of acknowledging my hard days like birthday and holidays (Jim, the best Father-in-Law!). The list could be really long and I probably should have a big appreciation party and invite everyone because I wouldn't be writing this with each contribution, no matter how small.
Putting closure on this doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any more, it means it is time for me to look at how I can use my process to actively inspire others to have hope for one more day, or hour, or minute or second, whatever it takes to take another breath or another step towards healing. It can be done and it starts with looking at all those pieces of brokenness and saying "I have some control over how it is put back together" and.... I'm going to build it back together bigger!
I hope over the next few months to develop something I can give back with. Perhaps it's motivational speaking or writing or retreats. I'm not sure yet, but any input, thoughts or suggestions you have would be welcome. And to those who have read this blog and provided support in that way, you too have made an impact in my healing. I thank you and am grateful for you in my life.
"Be the change you want to see in the world" - Gandhi
