Ok, One More Post

Yes, I know I said in my last post that I was going to wrap up this blog as it was time to move on. As I have known all along grief never has a final chapter, it's not something you get to close the book on and put it on the shelf next to all your other life's experiences. So there is room for another post on this blog.

Sunday is Mother's Day, it is also Brandon's birthday. He would be 24 this year. It is impossible for me to even write those words without becoming very emotional. And by emotional I mean, start crying with tears streaming down my face in an emotional exodus away from the burning in my heart that arrived the day he died. But with a skill I have honed over the last three and a half years, I will take a deep breath, wipe the tears and take another step forward.

It doesn't feel like it should be this hard. This is the third birthday that we will recognize without Brandon here. Perhaps part of it is on the 14th Daniel will turn 21 - the same age as Brandon was when he died. There is something very strange about that for me. In birth order Brandon should always be the oldest, so for Daniel to surpass him seems incredibly un-natural...almost as un-natural as out living your child.

We are heading to Moab for the next five days. As a person who embraces the concept of 'running away' I somehow always choose to honor these mile stones by leaving my regular routine and getting away. In Moab I will be surrounded by the people who have walked this journey with me step by step, shoulder to shoulder. In addition to Scott, Daniel, Jason and Sam I am so honored to have my friend Beth go. These are truly the people who really get it. And I will surrounded by some of the most beautiful landscape in the world. Getting into nature has always been the best way to soothe my soul.

Gratitude has become my 'go-to' coping skill to get me past these unwanted milestones, so here goes my gratitude to get me through the next few days.

Because I got to be Brandon's Mom I learned.... warn milk with a little honey makes you sleep better, checkers are a great way to connect, smile-a big smile that lights up your eyes, follow your dreams, wear your heart on your sleeve-even if it hurts it's worth it, be loyal, be generous, be a goofy dork sometimes, quit worrying what people thing about you, have boundaries, love-love-love and love some more.

A Beginnings End

One of the best lines from a song, "...every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.", (Closing Time by Semisonic). And if you're like me you sing along with the melody in your head every time you say it. It has a nice flow about it, the words, the intonation and the truth that resonates within it. This blog post will be both a new beginning and the end of my purpose in writing this blog. It will be the last post.

I started this blog just eight months after Brandon died. I really needed an outlet to express the truly shattered feelings I had about my life, my loss and my process through this. But it's time for new beginnings, which I am ready and anxious for. No, I don't have some amazing announcement to share. I guess the amazing part is that I feel ready, really ready to square my shoulders to life with a happy (yet expanded) heart.

 "Like any injury the body sustains, a broken heart never heals back the same way. But I would like to believe I have some control over how it is put back together. That may be my only hope that, again some day, I can let go of waiting (again) for the other shoe to drop."

That quote is the closing lines of my first post. In looking back I am proud to say I have done exactly what I set out to do. It has not been easy and I would never want to do it again, but I have worked really hard to put my heart back together and that I have been able to stop living waiting for the other shoe to drop and to crush what was left of me. One thing I want to be very clear about - I did not do it alone! I am so fortunate that I had people who held the fragile scaffolding together while I did the work of rebuilding my broken heart. These people were tireless, committed, strong, brave, courageous and loyal often in the face of my caustic, mean, depressed, scathing, miserable and sullen demeanor. My husband, Scott and best friend, Beth deserve a medal of honor as I literally owe them my life. Daniel and Jason, just by their mere existence in my world (unknowingly) forced me to put one foot in front of the other many times. And then there are the friends who kept me running (Dottie), texted me random messages of hope (Crystal), hugged me (Meg) and always made a point of acknowledging my hard days like birthday and holidays (Jim, the best Father-in-Law!). The list could be really long and I probably should have a big appreciation party and invite everyone because I wouldn't be writing this with each contribution, no matter how small.

Putting closure on this doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any more, it means it is time for me to look at how I can use my process to actively inspire others to have hope for one more day, or hour, or minute or second, whatever it takes to take another breath or another step towards healing. It can be done and it starts with looking at all those pieces of brokenness and saying "I have some control over how it is put back together" and.... I'm going to build it back together bigger!

I hope over the next few months to develop something I can give back with. Perhaps it's motivational speaking or writing or retreats. I'm not sure yet, but any input, thoughts or suggestions you have would be welcome. And to those who have read this blog and provided support in that way, you too have made an impact in my healing. I thank you and am grateful for you in my life.

"Be the change you want to see in the world" - Gandhi