Sunday is Mother's Day, it is also Brandon's birthday. He would be 24 this year. It is impossible for me to even write those words without becoming very emotional. And by emotional I mean, start crying with tears streaming down my face in an emotional exodus away from the burning in my heart that arrived the day he died. But with a skill I have honed over the last three and a half years, I will take a deep breath, wipe the tears and take another step forward.
It doesn't feel like it should be this hard. This is the third birthday that we will recognize without Brandon here. Perhaps part of it is on the 14th Daniel will turn 21 - the same age as Brandon was when he died. There is something very strange about that for me. In birth order Brandon should always be the oldest, so for Daniel to surpass him seems incredibly un-natural...almost as un-natural as out living your child.
We are heading to Moab for the next five days. As a person who embraces the concept of 'running away' I somehow always choose to honor these mile stones by leaving my regular routine and getting away. In Moab I will be surrounded by the people who have walked this journey with me step by step, shoulder to shoulder. In addition to Scott, Daniel, Jason and Sam I am so honored to have my friend Beth go. These are truly the people who really get it. And I will surrounded by some of the most beautiful landscape in the world. Getting into nature has always been the best way to soothe my soul.
Gratitude has become my 'go-to' coping skill to get me past these unwanted milestones, so here goes my gratitude to get me through the next few days.
Because I got to be Brandon's Mom I learned.... warn milk with a little honey makes you sleep better, checkers are a great way to connect, smile-a big smile that lights up your eyes, follow your dreams, wear your heart on your sleeve-even if it hurts it's worth it, be loyal, be generous, be a goofy dork sometimes, quit worrying what people thing about you, have boundaries, love-love-love and love some more.
